I just read these entries for the first time in a long time.

People are always so shocked when I tell them how different I am now, and how much I've changed, in the past few years. "You're only 22, you're still young." What they don't realize, I think, is how fast I've really grown up.
After I graduated High School, I finally (like so many others) had a chance to really experience life for the first time-to figure myself out-to learn, and make real mistakes. Normally people attend 4-yr schools, etc. and they can experience this feeling much longer. I sort of packed about 4-6 years into 1 and half. Then I got pregnant and Michael and I tried to grow up overnight. And even though we lost the baby, and we inevitably regressed for a while, we never really lost the feeling that you get when you realize you're going to be a parent. We never really went back to the way we were before everything happened. I really don't regret that, nor do I think it's a bad thing, I just think that people don't understand because they didn't experience it. I know that we are still so, so young and that we have such a long road ahead of us. I know that we still aren't completely independent of money, our childhoods, anything. But as I look back on the past year I am certainly aware of the growth it represents. It really feels like we're starting to get our act together. We're taking that maturity and we're harnessing it, instead of denying it. And we're trying. We really are. I'm really looking forward to the future, and the learning that will come with it. It's all very exciting to me. Even though learning is such a stressful experience, it's an amazing thing. When you think of all of the things that happen in one day that teach you something you didn't know or hadn't realized before, it all very inspiring. Even though we never did get the chance to be parents, maybe someday we will, and I really feel like if we ever are, that we'll be okay. I used to get so angry about it all. I would blame Michael for stealing my freedom and happiness. Looking back at it now, I don't feel that way anymore. He never did any of those things, and I always forgot that he didn't ask for a lot of the things that have happened, either. I look back at the bad times of our relationship as something that needed to happen. We needed to have those experiences to grow and learn together. My freedom was never stolen, I gave it away and I gave up. The ironic thing is at this moment I feel freer than I ever have. I am Married to someone who understands me and will defend me to anyone who hurts me. I think about it all of the time, and I always wonder what I'd do without him. I'd move on, be okay, I'm not that codependent, but he's really become a very important part of my life. I had a dream a while back, in which he had died. I remember it so vividly, because the feelings I had were so true. I remember the viewing and thinking that I couldn't handle it, because of the big crowd that would be there. I can't function in big crowds, I have panic attacks, it's not pretty, and I remember crying in my dream and thinking that I couldn't go to the viewing because Michael is the only person who helps me and makes me not freak out. How could I handle the crowd if he wasn't there to help me? I'm sure that all sounds so codependent, but I assure you if such were to happen, that I am quite capable of growing a pair and sucking it up. The point of it is that he really is a good thing for me. I'm very lucky. It's just taken me 3 years to truly figure that out. It's taken me even longer to figure out that I'm worth something. For the first time in my life, I look at myself in the mirror and I see something I like. I think about losing weight and I know that as long as I'm trying, then that's all that matters. I can't change who I am over night, and I really don't want to. I can honestly, for the first time ever, say that I don't remember the last time that I felt insecure about anything. It's been a hard road, as I'm sure everyone can relate with, as we all have struggles and experiences that make us who we are, and I look at every single person I know and even though I haven't felt their struggles, I feel their pain and see their hope. I am sure that life will always cycle like this for me, between great, good, bad, and awful. The only difference now, is that I'm learning to appreciate it for what it teaches me, instead of how it limits me.




Also, Coldplay has redeemed themselves to me. X&Y and Viva La Vida especially, have sucked. But they released this EP called Prospekt's March, and I really think that it gets back to what they used to be. So, if you're a fan, you should check it out. Although, it has this weird Jay-Z remix on it... I'm not sure what they were going for with that, but it's not too bad either.

 

 

I am a serious Mariah Carey closet fan.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZ2HB2b_xpQ